Drew's 'Sex and the Seo' article as referenced by Lindsey Whaley

Originally published in the 04/06/06 issue of The Lamron.

Cosmopolitan -- the juicy sex tips, the hottest positions, the never-ending reservoir of "dirty" bedroom secrets -- you've read it. If you're a girl you've bought at least one in your lifetime, and chances are they're common reading material in your house. If you're a guy you've had your fair share of Cosmo experience too -- in the waiting room at the dentist's office, int he magazine aisle when you thought no one else was looking, while using a girl's bathroom, or, worst of all, because a Cosmo-obsessed girlfriend forces you to live by it.

I've been unfortunate enough to experience the last one -- twice. The last two girls I've dated were borderline-psycho with their dependence on Cosmo for relationship advice. I was forever being forced to take the "Are You a Good Lover" or "What's Your Passion Personality" quiz. Cosmos started ending up in my own bathroom and around my bedroom. Toward the end it seemed like every sentence I heard started with a "I readin Cosmo that..." You get the point. I like to think this is the worst-case scenario, but I've run into several girls who swear by it.

By no means am I denouncing readers of Cosmo -- after all, there are positives about it, which I'll discuss later. My concern, then, is not that girls read it, but what girls read in it. Does Cosmo give accurate information on "Touch Him Tricks," or "7 Ways to Make Him Ache For You," or on any of the other pieces of advice it provides? This is important when your girlfriend/partner is judging your every move based on what Cosmo tells themit means. When your partner reads that your late nights in the office mean you're having a scandalous fling with a co-worker and you're really just tied down with work, or tring to avoid taking another Cosmo quiz, it becomes problematic. The same became true when a woman, acting on Cosmo's tip to act on her man's fantasies, dressed up as an intruder and surprised her partner in bed. Instead of being turned on, he got scared and proceeded to beat her to a pulp, not realizing the intruder was his partner trying to act out one of his fantasies -- something a reader admits happened in a recent issue.

In order to get to the heart of the matter, I decided to engulf myself in the world of Cosmo for a day -- and by world of Cosmo I mean the four issues I borrowed from one of my fellow editors (*cough cough* Chris Tripodi).

I start my research with "The Right Way to Touch a Naked Man" from the May 2005 issue with J-Lo on the cover (the only way I can tell the issues apart). The first thing I read is "If you really want to make his knees buckle with bliss, you need to know some details about the male anatomy." This led me to believe that Cosmo is nothing more than a half-rate, softcore porn magazine. Still miffed about the "buckle with bliss" statement, I cut to the juicy stuff. Surprisingly, Cosmo is on the ball with this one (literally). The "slow, surprising stroke," "keep in constant contact," and "treat his jewels gingerly" techniques are very effective -- especially the third one.

The slow, surprising stroke increas our anticipation, which causes our nerve endings to be more sensitive to touch, plus it draws out the encounter. Keeping in constant contact is satisfying for us in that it makes us feel more connected and involved in the act. "Treat his jewels gingerly" speaks for itself, and again, I can't stress this enough.

I went on to the "5 Relationship Rules You Should Break" article in the issue featuring Eva Longoria. To be honest, I'd read this one back in December when it came out. I was at my girlfriend's at the time, and because she had been driving me mad with all of the quizzes, I decided to follow this article word for word.

The first rule to break is the "you can't check anyone else out rule." As soon as I got the chance, I made a really obvious double-take at a girl who passed by while we were grocery shopping My ex-girlfriend promptly slapped me in the face. Inevitably, I responded with "Cosmo said it was okay!" Then she slapped me again. Needless to say, that was the last rule I broke. Another rule it said was okay to break, was the "don't hang out with your ex" rule, which is equally abominable. For the most part, there are few cases when your current partner will think it's alright to hang out with your ex -- the Jerry and Elaine routine is a lot harder to pull off in real life. I concluded that any Cosmo article that appears to go against common sense should be regarded as horrible advice, and is to be completely disregarded.

The final article I decided to review was "How to be a Total Man-Magnet" in the February 2006 issue. The billing on the cover read, "How to snag any man you want," so I figured this was the final test. If a girl, no matter who she is, followed these steps, would I go for her? I delved into the rules to find out.

Step one was to go out in groups of three, as a group of this size is less intimidating to approach, and allows the other two friends to keep each other company avoiding the awkward situation when a single friend is left standing there, observing the conversation. Solid rule, I had no qualms about it.

Step two said to hold a drink in your hand because "guys don't want to be used (for drinks)." Not so sure I agree with this one. A staple of meeting a girl is the "Can I buy you a drink?" line, which wouldn't be available if a girl is already holding a drink. Seriously, if we're at a bar to meet girls, we're going to be willing to buy you drinks -- that's what we're good for.

Step three and four go hand in hand; smile genuinely and work the eye contact. Again these are good rules because a girl who makes eye contact and smiles is obviously more approachable.

Step five warned girls not to "immediately ask him what he does." Apparently men think that all women are "gold diggers." There's no connection here. Asking a guy what he does is a good way to start a conversation and see if we share any common interests with you.

The final step says that girls should make positive small talk. For instance, saying things like "It's hot in here" ruins your " fun-girl aura." Uhhhmmm...what? If a girl says that to me, I'm thinking one thing; "Let's go somewhere else." Your fun-girl aura is safe, trust me. I'm giving this article a mixed review.

I may never understand the obsession over Cosmo, but at least it isn't all useless. While it provides several valid tips, especially those about "pleasing a man in bed," I still feel that everything should be taken with a grain of salt, and that it's important to always follow your common sense.

In the meantime, reading Cosmo for 12 straight hours has rotted my brain, and made me want to bash my head in with a rolling pin. It's safe to say I won't be dating any Cosmo readers in either the near nor distant future.